Most of you may know that while I enjoy writing this blog so much and that I absolutely love my job at Disneyland, my main focus in life, my main goal in life, is to become a published author.
And its been an incredibly rough journey. Writing a book in itself is incredibly difficult. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Its what I love doing. I really can’t imagine doing much else besides writing books. But its not easy. It took me about 9 months to write The Awakened an additional three months to edit it and even then, it probably still could use work.
But after all of that, its still a ton of work. I have to query agents. I have to convince them, usually with only 5-10 pages, that my novel is worth a complete read. Then if they want to read the entire manuscript, they still have to be convinced. And after all of that, they have to take that and edit it some more, make it better, so that they can sell it to a publisher. Its exhausting. And I haven’t even got past the basic querying, of 5-10 pages of my novel.
But I’ve received a lot of rejections. I’ve received fifteen rejections out of 45 queries sent out. That’s not counting the amount of no responses at all, which basically means they’re not interested. And that has been incredibly discouraging it. Not even one has wanted to read the entire novel. Not one. I haven’t even made a step in the right direction. And it sucks. There’s no real eloquent way to put it: it just sucks.
The thing is: I’ve given up a lot for this. I dropped out of school. It put a strain on my relationship and I broke up with my exboyfriend, the boy I honestly thought I was going to marry. I have turned down jobs that will take up a ton of time because I want time to focus on this. I’ve put in time and effort and money and literal tears.
So its hard to see that come to nothing. Its hard to keep going. Its hard to remember that this is a hard journey to go through. Its hard to remember that everyone has to struggle with this. Its hard to make yourself remember that all authors went through this, especially since its hard to imagine. Its hard to imagine that these incredible authors that I admire so much ever had to struggle to sell their books to people. It makes me think, God what if I’m not even good? What if I only think I’m a good writer and I’m really not? What if I’m just kidding myself? What if I’m just wasting my time?
That happened to me big time yesterday. I got another rejection. And it just…it hurt so much more than the others. Not that it was any different than the others. It wasn’t any harsher or anything. The agent did point out that zombie stories are hard to sell right now in YA, which is true. Contemporaries are kind of the goldmines right now. But it just sucked. It sucked because I had just sent it the day before and I was feeling full of hope again and it just sucks. It hurts. Its discouraging. Its hard to believe in yourself. It really is.
And yesterday I just lost it. I cried a lot. I stayed in bed a lot. I ate a whole cupcake in about five seconds. No lie. I inhaled that thing. I watched a lot of 90210 (the reboot. Oh, Matt Lanter <3). I started reading Cora Carmack’s “Inspire” and cried at any part that was even the slightest bit emotional. I hung out with a friend and then immediately came home and went right back into a pit of despair and self pity. I was wrapped in blankets and staring at the wall. I was pretty pathetic. It took me awhile to fall asleep last night.
I’m kind of embarrassed at the total wreck I was yesterday.
Today I woke up, and…well, let’s be real. I don’t feel 100% better. Its hard to. But I do feel better. And it comes from a lot of things.
First off, I woke up and checked my phone like I do. I checked my Facebook and my Instagram. And I was just blown away at the amazing comments you guys have been leaving, so encouraging. You guys believe in me, this little ol blog and my novel and you honestly can never know how much that means to me. Every comment you guys leave just blows me away.
Then I checked my email. It was the normal boring stuff, coupons, spam, that sort of thing. Then I noticed I had received an email from Star Wars Celebration (which is the all Star Wars convention taking place in Anaheim in April). I had checked out prices about a week or two ago so I figured they were emailing me to bug me to buy a badge. Which, I mean, I want to do but its expensive! I clicked on the email and almost immediately started crying again. Seriously. I have to get a control over these emotions.
Why? Why did I lose it all over again? Because I was granted press access to the convention. My first major press access. The only place I’ve gotten press for before is Festival of Books, which was also fantastic, but this just blew my mind. I’m really more of a book centered blog so it meant the world to me. And it reminded me of how much I have.
Look, publishing is hard. And maybe it won’t work out exactly like I want it to. Maybe I have to revamp an old contemporary novel and try to get that sold because that’s what is hot right now. Maybe someone does finally pick The Awakened. Maybe I have to take the indie publishing or self-publishing route. Maybe it’ll take much longer than I had anticipated.
But its going to be okay. Its going to happen. And you know how I know that? Its because I work hard. I work so so so hard and I’m determined to make it happen.
I work hard EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. putting my blog together and making it the best I can. I’m passionate and real and determined. I talk about books and promote them and review them because I’m genuinely in love with them. And it pays off. Slowly. But it does. I’ve gotten to do some amazing things. I get to go to all these incredible book events. I get to go to movie premieres. I get to go to conventions. I get to meet all these fangirls and fanboys. I get to meet all these authors, and some of them have even become my friends. It pays off. All of that hard work pays off, especially now that I’ve gotten media access to the Star Wars Celebration.
So I don’t know. It seems like its impossible, like it’ll never happen. But I’m determined to make it happen. I’m determined. I’ve given up so much for it and I will continue to do so. I will work my butt off until it happens, no matter how it does. If I can’t get an agent, I’ll try another route. I’ll make it happen. Because I want it, you know? I make things happen with this blog because I work hard and because I want it and I can do that for my book as well.
And here’s the most important thing: I’m a good writer. I know I am. I KNOW I am. I’m not great at a lot of things and that’s okay. I’ll never be able to sing and I’ll never be able to play an instrument (I just won’t). I won’t be able be a NASCAR driver and I’ll never be able to paint anything, probably not even a wall. Seriously. I probably couldn’t even just paint a wall. But I know I can write. I know that. Its going to happen.
I also realized that I have a great support system. I am surrounded by amazing people. Friends, family, all of you guys, authors, fellow bloggers, fellow writers, booksellers, librarians…I’m just surrounded by amazing people. And you guys believe in me. And its SO hard to not believe in yourself when you have SO many people believing you. You guys are literally amazing. Every time you guys send me love or even just leave me a comment on my instagram or my wattpad, it means the world.
So thanks for that. And don’t give up on your own things. It may seem and it is, and somedays you just want to get into your bed, and crawl under the covers and cry and be totally pathetic and that’s okay! Its okay to have days like that. But get up the next day and believe in yourself. I believe in you and you believe in me, which is crazy, and that helps. You guys have NO idea how much this helps. So thank you!
And keep reading The Awakened on Wattpad! Please! Leave comments and share the love so I can share the world that you guys want it!